I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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