He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
