its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She told me I should be a condom model.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
