he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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