Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
