dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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