i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
