In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
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