if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
