4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
