headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
