Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
