i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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