i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We have started to decorate penises.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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