if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
