At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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