she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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