remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
