girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
