thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
