No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
