her vagine was all disorganized.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I showed him my bush... on skype.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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