that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
