What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
