Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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