so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I forgot how hot balto sounded
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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