Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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