What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
