My Higher Power is John Stamos
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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