**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
