remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
