So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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