Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
