The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
