I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
