I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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