Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
