I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
