Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
