I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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