i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
