my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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