I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need water and some morals
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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