i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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