Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
