Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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