we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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