there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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