You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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