God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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