I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
